home is where you call home. and you can have two.
I haven’t written much lately. I fear that the reasoning for this has been out of shear cowardliness than anything else. Putting things in print seem to solidify the reality of it all, more so than merely speaking words. Words from mouths feel worthless. Text captures more.
All this to say, I have no idea where to start.
Quarter life crisis? Sure. I’ll begin there and work myself backwards. (It does seem my life moves in that way recently.)
In more ways than one, I’ve thought a lot recently (and by recently I mean more along the lines of me wanting to quit all things sane and join a circus within the last week) about what being in one’s early twenties mean. Just as an aside, I classify early twenties from the age of 21/22ish-25/26ish. Others may disagree, but for all intensive purposes, I don’t care. Some say you need to have a “real” job by your early twenties. Others say you should marry, have children and settle down, if ever that phrase actually means anything relevant at all. Being in your early twenties to some mean you are no longer able to stay up all night, going to bed only because the sun starts to rise and everywhere is closed. Meh. It seems I’ve chosen to follow none of those paths, and I’m completely ok with it. I’ll take the scrutiny for it and I’ll be the scapegoat for those who simply cannot understand. At the end of the day, everyone chooses their own path and although it would be easy for me to feel like a failure (which trust me, I’ve been a passenger on that train), I’m too proud to feel like the way in which my life has happened to unravel is anything short of captivating. For now, being 24 means my life is a mess. An absolute fabulous mess.
I suppose visiting home hit me hard. Not in a completely negative way. I adored seeing my parents and family and telling them all the wonderful things I love about the west coast, while enjoying the familiarity of the south. I also was thrilled about reliving southern traditions I felt I was missing out on. Some still hold a place in my heart, but I’m sorry all that greasy fattening food, no thank you. Sorry ya’ll, my arteries prefer Cali. I loved hearing from friends about the past five months, I was stoked on introducing Eli to “real” southern hospitality and all in all, it was a successful visit. However, I didn’t realize how much the aftermath would shake my being.
Driving home from what could only be described as 6 day binge of terribly late nights, too little sleep, too much Subway, countless cups of coffee, Elijah Craig (and then some), important conversations, needed silence, 2 Hiltons, a Doubletree and a Hampton Inn, I was finally greeted with that ruthless tormenting face of my reality. It was time to slow down, go to sleep at a reasonable hour, set an alarm and wake up in my own bed. I think I cried when 9am crept upon my bedside the first day being back at home. Literally. I’m almost positive I bawled my eyes out. For the first time in awhile, I had no idea what I was doing. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere; that my disillusions of home were senseless and I actually felt quite homeless.
“Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.”
― Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts
Honestly, I’ve always loved this quote. For far differently reasons, of course. This quote, this book actually, was a hard copy of the fact that leaving was possible. That people DID leave their homes in search for what they wanted, returning home only when they felt like it was needed. Only now, I truly understand the meaning behind it. I left. I came back. All was different, only not. I embraced the fact that I left. Yes, it hasn’t all been raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. and yes, I may have spend an entire day in the Los Angeles emergency room the day before Halloween. I may have cried more times than not and doubted myself even more. BUT it has always been my choice to stay. It’s still my choice to stay and battle whatever other dragons the sunny state of California decides to send my way.
I’ve realized home is where you call home and you can have two.
